Life. Ever-Growing

Being pregnant and 40 was not exactly on the radar. Several years ago my husband and I toyed with the idea that we should have more children. But that was several years ago, and we were thinking if it happened, we would certainly be done having children by the time we hit our 40s.

Did you know that at 35 or 36 years of age, a woman’s uterus is considered geriatric? That’s kind of insulting. Not that being geriatric is an insult, but being called that at 40 kinda is.

Also, being pregnant at 40 apparently puts me at a high risk for everything under the sun. Multiples. Diabetes. Pre-eclampsia. Birth defects. Death.

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. I’ve already had to buy maternity pants. Sigh. I really didn’t want to have to go out shopping, I much prefer to shop from the convenience of amazon.com. But I just wasn’t too crazy about what I was finding online.

I sunk to a new low and shopped for maternity clothes on the walmart website. Apparently they have maternity pants for $10-12. The better half of my judgment decided I had better lay eyes on these pants before buying them, after all, they are only $10, and I’m pretty sure they will look and feel like $10 pants.

So I sunk to an all new level of low and went into the local walmarx to look at these maternity pants. Oddly, they don’t carry a maternity line in the store. That was perplexing to me, given the clientele that I usually see in there. Oh well.

Although, while in walmart, I did see something called “jeggings.” I’m not the most fashionable person, nor am I the most intellect, but they appear to be a mix of jeans and leggings…complete with painted on buttons and rivets to look like jeans but with loud designs to mimic higher end leggings. It’s not a perfect marriage. What came to my mind was lularoe on meth. They cost $3.48.

So I struck out at walmart. Shocker, I know. It forced me to go to Target, which I hate just as much, if not more. As you can see, I chose walmart over Target, so there.

And while walking into a Target singed my nose hairs just as offensively as walmart does, they at least had maternity pants. I tried on a pair and they felt really good on my ever-growing rotundness. So I grabbed those and a second pair of what I thought were the exact same pants but in a darker shade. Got home, cut the tags, washed them, because momma needed some serious mid-section relief from non-pregnancy clothes leaving a wring around the middle.

I’d be perfectly content in a moo-moo, but I don’t know where to find those. Again, the walmarts failed me. I’ll bet K-Mart would have had them.

When I looked at maternity clothes from trendy stores and second hand places like Thread-Up, I saw things like skinny jeans and mini skirts.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, or maybe I’m just plain ol’ outta style, but I’m not in the mood for either of those looks right now. What I want is a moo-moo, because that’s what I feel like.

Well, speaking of skinny pants… Remember that second pair of jeans I picked up at Target in a darker shade? The ones I cut the tags off of and washed? Yeah, I picked those up this morning as I was getting dressed and they are indeed skinny jeans.

Oh dear.

After struggling to get the first leg in, I decided to cut my losses and put on the other pair of pants instead. After struggling to get my first leg out, I decided I may need to cut my losses on this pair of pants.

I mean, seriously…do pregnant women really wear skinny jeans? I’m just over 2 months pregnant and it hurts to bend down that low to pull those on or off. Also, I’ve got a long ways to go. {Sigh}

Maybe it’s just undeniably the geriatric uterus making it difficult for me? But seriously, maternity skinny jeans??? For women who can’t even see their ankles, let alone reach them to pull tight pants on/off? Am I missing something here?

Who knows, maybe one day I can wear my trendy skinny jeans with tall boots, flannel shirt opened enough to show the hand-lettering of “baby bump” etched across my fronts, scarf, matching vegan handbag, while sipping a pumpkin spiced latte from a paper cup with an overpriced coffeehouse logo on the side.

But then again, I am 40. I just don’t think skinny pants belong on anyone in their 40s. Or 30s. Or 20s. Or 10s. Or younger. And they especially don’t belong on anyone in the condition of “pregnant.” Or male.

I already feel like a tick about to pop. What I need is comfort that highlights the important parts. I don’t need tight pants to amplify the obvious pregnant image. Imagine an exercise ball with toothpicks for legs. Wearing skinny jeans. Enough said.

Well, I guess that’s enough soapbox for one day.

Sorry, no picture of me hopping around trying to put on skinny jeans. Also, I thought about using an image of a full tick, but decided that wouldn’t be cool at all. Also, I tried to find a great meme to share. There are so many to choose from. But most of them are a tad too offensive for me to post here.

So, let’s just settle on this picture my Handsome boy drew. If they wore pants, they still wouldn’t be skinny jeans.

IMG_20170616_104920.jpg

Thanks for stopping by and humoring me today. I’ll be back in a few days to share about our latest DIY that I had to outsource for.

 

One Comment Add yours

  1. Lillian says:

    You are definitely funny!

    Liked by 1 person

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